God is in the "Sign Business..."

Got back from a wonderful, relaxing time in Seattle/Canada with my momma on Friday. We prayed the whole trip for extra special blessings throughout this week as we remembered Dave's life and spent precious time together. While walking through the busy Pike Place Market in Seattle one day, I heard my mom gasp as she looked down. And then we both read it:




" I have always known that at last I would take this road, But yesterday, I did not know that it would be today."

I believe God truly is in the sign business! Sometimes it comes in a still small voice, and sometimes, in an otherwise meaningless plaque in the middle of a dirty sidewalk on a bustling corner of a very busy city. He hid this for my momma and me that day. I believe that.

The other thing I beleive He ordained before we even left, was for us to meet sweet Judy and her brother Bill, who were our travel companions on our day cruise over to Cananda. Judy actually sat by me on the flight into Seattle and when we began to compare itineraries, we realized that we would be on the same ship all together later on that week. She is also a first grade teacher, in Florida, and got along wonderfully with mom.


God loves us so much that he speaks to us personally. I don't know about you, but I am blown away by that fact. Flying over the city and seeing people and cars begin to look like ants, it boggled my mind to think how much He loves each and every single one of us...and that with as much as there is going on down here on earth, He takes the time to hear ME, to touch MY heart, to comfort ME, and to hide away things for just ME and Mom to find. He is so gracious and loving.

More pics soon to come, just wanted to share this with you. (And ps, thanks for praying, my neck felt better on this trip than it has in an entire month! Went to the hospital all morning to get more scans and tests out of the way...will hear back as far as results on Wednesday...just pray for SOME kind of answers so we know what to do if it happens again.)

Linking here to my momma's blog. One year after losing Dave...there IS still "joy in the journey."

In Memory...

Today, we remember Dave O'Brien, who went to be with Jesus one year ago. These are a few of my favorite pictures and memories of Dave that I hold dear to my heart.


TBCH Chapel where Mom and Dave were married, Joe and I were married, and later, where we had Dave's memorial service.


This is one of my favorite wedding pictures. Dave had just had his leg amputated weeks before and was unable to walk me down the aisle, but he gives me away at the front, where we all gather for a family prayer.








We all did a walk/run in downtown Kansas City in October in memory of Dave. Joe's sister Anna and I did the half marathon that day. We all wore pictures of Dave running his first marathon.


Joe and Dave celebrate their birthdays together at our home in Missouri.






This is my favorite picture of my Momma and Dave. They look so happy.



I am so very thankful for Dave in my life. He was a godly man who loved my mom and went above and beyond to take care of all of us kids. He was the father I never had; he was kind and patient, and a man of integrity. He was so loved and is dearly missed.

A Sound Mind...

I have to tell you, today ranks in my books as a pretty bad, all-time low. I woke up with the same overwhelming pain in my neck that has now, as of today, been with me consistently for 30 days- no break in pain whatsoever. (My chiropractor said it would last only three days, to put it into perspective for you.)

Allow me to tell you what I have done in search of some relief, in case you think i am just sitting on the couch saying "ouch, i hurt" and not doing anything about it.

In the last thirty days, I have:
-Been to the chiropractor everyday for the first two weeks for adjustments and therapy. Not cheap.
-Been to Physical Therapy through the hospital three times a week where my arch-nemesis named Eric twists and turns and stretches me, puts my neck in traction, and does ultrasound and muscle- stimulation. He asked me the other day what I would do first when I felt like myself again and my simple answer to him was "I will punch you. HARD." (He thinks I'm joking!) Not cheap.
-Been to my family doctor three times, who each time gives me ungodly amounts of pain pills, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories that turn me into a zombie. (Sometimes, I honestly think she will just hand the scrip' pad over and say "write whatever you want.")
-Been referred to the hospital twice for xrays and testing. (I'm pretty sure we will be making the radiologist's mortgage payments this year.)
-Went to an hour-long massage this morning, which costs quite a bit, by the way. It felt wonderful and gave me relief...for all of about two hours!

Believe me, I have tried everything I can think of!

So, to say that i am aggravated and frustrated would be an understatement. I have alot on my mind with Dave's one year anniversary creeping up on me, AND, momma and I are supposed to take our long-awaited, much-anticipated trip to Seattle on Monday, and I SOOOOO want to enjoy every minute of it and NOT be in intense pain!

Poor hubby finally gets a day off work today and ends up taking me to all kinds of therapy, massage, Dr. appointment, and of course Target to re-up my Rx's that could over-medicate a small country. I love him so much, but as any married couple can tell you, "If momma (me, in this case) ain't happy, Ain't nobody (Joe, in this case) happy." Are you getting that it's been a long month in the ole' Stein house? Hmm??

So, we are sitting in the doctor's office yet again and she is baffled, yet again, and thinking outloud. I understand that Doctors deal and think very systematically, trying to rule things out in order to reach a proper diagnosis. While I, in comparison, think from my emotions and feelings. She looks at me and says, "I am referring you to a specialist." Fine, I expect that much by now. And then, this lovely little phrase just floats out into the room very matter-of-factly. "I want you to get a CT Scan and an MRI as soon as you get back from your trip, you know, just to rule out a blood clot or tumor in your brain."

I absolutely fell apart.

Then and there and the rest of the day, I repeated those words over and over, and seeds of fear started to creep up. The "what-ifs" felt overwhelming. Especially since Dave is on my mind alot lately and the last big surgery he had was to remove a very fast-growing tumor in his brain that had taken up 25% of the space in his skull by the time they caught it.

So, I am asking you to pray with me. Pray that the pain will ease and I will still be able to enjoy Seattle. Pray that the doctors and specialists will be able to give me some answers and solutions from the MRI and CT Scan results. And pray that I will not let fear overtake me. I am resting in the fact that no amount of worry on my part will change the outcome. It's all in God's hands. Even if my worst-case scenario came true, and the MRI or CT did in fact find a tumor or blood clot, like the doctor said, there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. He says He will never leave us nor forsake us, He says He will walk through the valley of the shadow of death with us, and I have seen that throughout everything with Dave with my own eyes. I have to come to a place of peace and say that I can't carry this by myself and give it all over to Christ. "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind."-2 Timothy 1:7

"His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in His power, the weak become strong. His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect." -Steven Curtis Chapman

One Year Later...

I tried to remember today what we did last fourth of July weekend and it all came back and hit me like a tidal wave. Dave was very sick now and the end was in sight. My Joe, in all his wisdom, said that we were going to go shopping to day for funeral clothes...just in case. We made the best of it, took a trip to Kansas City for the day, saw a movie, ate at a great restaurant, and made a quick stop in Macy's where we found everything we needed for a funeral we still prayed would not happen. Joe tried to cheer me up and assured me that if Dave recovered and we didn't need the clothes that we could burn them and throw a party, but somehow we both knew deep down it was coming.

I was a wreck. We all knew it was going to happen soon, but no one knew just exactly when and my silent prayer was always, " Lord, please tell us when to be there." Texas was a good thirteen hour drive from our house.

My mom called that next week and updated daily, even hourly. He was getting weaker and eventually when she called and said they were going to take him to the Hospice Hospital called the Christopher House in Austin, Joe looked at me and said the word. We quickly and quietly packed our bags, called our jobs, booked the dog in the kennel, and drove through the night. I have never had such a long, silent car ride. Dave's kidneys were failing at this point and there was not much else to be done.

I prayed and cried and prayed some more. In seven years of cancer and major surgeries, he had always bounced back and gone into remission, stunning the doctors, so part of me still held out hope. Still, something felt different this time and I couldn't explain it.

July 12, 2009
We got to the Christopher House that next afternoon. This is where it gets blurry. I know that we all sat and sang and held his hands and told stories. We kissed and hugged and patted his hands. I know he could hear us, but there was a fog and a distance in his eyes as if he were already leaving.

We left that night hoping for a miracle.

July 13,2009
The next morning, we were getting dressed and there was a call from my aunt. Get here NOW. We raced through Austin, only to walk into a room where the doctor had just stepped in to tell the family today would be the day and time was very short...it was down to hours and minutes now, no longer days and months. Even then, I still believed God for a miracle.

I think the hardest thing of my young adult life was sitting around that bed and watching him slip away. What if I didn't tell him i loved him enough? Did he know how much of a difference he had made in my life? I never painted that picture he asked me to do...none of it mattered now. And then the prayer that took our breath away. My mom took his hands in hers and kissed him softly on his head. We all held hands around the room. (There were about thirteen of us in the room now. Everyone was here except my younger brother who was stuck in Costa Rica studying abroad). She started to tell him how much we loved him and what a wonderful man he was. He had lived a full life and accomplished evertyhing God had put him on earth to do, but now it was time to give himself permission to let go...just let go. I have never seen such strength and grace. She told him, so unselfishly, to go and be with Jesus. Everything was taken care of and although we would miss him terribly, we would see him again one day and we would all be fine.

Within just a few short minutes, he breathed his last breath. I stood there and held his hand for what seemed like forever, just looking at him, crying, not knowing what to do next. I pulled myself together and grabbed my mom's cell phone and began making the calls. I think you sort of go into shock. I called all her closest friends and asked them to call her coworkers and anyone I had forgotten. I called the pastor, called a few of my friends... I couldn't even really tell you what I said, but I knew I had to be calm for my momma and do this for her.

In the days that followed, we planned a memorial service for Dave. it would be at the Texas Baptist Children's Home chapel two days later on that Thursday. Just a year and a half earlier, Dave had given me away at my wedding in this same chapel. Twelve years earlier, he married my mom in that chapel. It only seemed fitting to have it there. Friends and family showed up in droves to come support and love on us. A friend asked if he could tape the ceremony for us to watch again later. I have the DVD, but still havent been able to go there yet. Jacqui, a dear friend of mine and a former student of my mom's many years before sang the Chris Rice song "Come to Jesus." I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place.

I later realized we had gotten our miracle, in a sense. Dave was now with the Jesus he loved so much and was no longer in pain. He was whole and happy and healed. The other miracle was that everyone was able to be there on that final day to love on him and surround him in those last hours. I cannot tell you how thankful I was that he did not die alone in the house. That was my greatest fear. God gave so much grace and peace through the whole process. I began to understand what the verse means when the Bible says,"and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." We had that peace. I honestly cannot imagine how people who do not know and trust the Lord deal with death and the finality of it all. We have hope in the end that we will see him again in heaven one day.

One year later and it still brings me to tears just to relive those few days and short hours we had left with him. Death seems so final, but with Christ, it is not the end. We are all dying, from the moment we are born, the clock starts ticking. What will you do in the "dash" between the day you are born and the day you die? I hope that you find truth and love, that you stand for what is right and just, and that you find Jesus and cling tightly to Him alone. We are not promised easy, carefree lives, but He does promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us. You have a God who loves you and cares so deeply for you and I hope that you find Him and live the life He has planned for you.

On the actual anniversary this year, my momma and I will be in Seattle for a week taking the trip she and Dave planned to take together last year when he got sick. We will be remembering him and scattering his ashes. It will be sad and bittersweet, but I am so glad we can be together. Hoping to make new, happy memories on this day and still believing that God is good and gracious. He is enough, He is our comforter, our Rock , and our strong tower. He gives peace and rest and Hope for the future. What a wonderful, loving God we serve!