A Sound Mind...

I have to tell you, today ranks in my books as a pretty bad, all-time low. I woke up with the same overwhelming pain in my neck that has now, as of today, been with me consistently for 30 days- no break in pain whatsoever. (My chiropractor said it would last only three days, to put it into perspective for you.)

Allow me to tell you what I have done in search of some relief, in case you think i am just sitting on the couch saying "ouch, i hurt" and not doing anything about it.

In the last thirty days, I have:
-Been to the chiropractor everyday for the first two weeks for adjustments and therapy. Not cheap.
-Been to Physical Therapy through the hospital three times a week where my arch-nemesis named Eric twists and turns and stretches me, puts my neck in traction, and does ultrasound and muscle- stimulation. He asked me the other day what I would do first when I felt like myself again and my simple answer to him was "I will punch you. HARD." (He thinks I'm joking!) Not cheap.
-Been to my family doctor three times, who each time gives me ungodly amounts of pain pills, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories that turn me into a zombie. (Sometimes, I honestly think she will just hand the scrip' pad over and say "write whatever you want.")
-Been referred to the hospital twice for xrays and testing. (I'm pretty sure we will be making the radiologist's mortgage payments this year.)
-Went to an hour-long massage this morning, which costs quite a bit, by the way. It felt wonderful and gave me relief...for all of about two hours!

Believe me, I have tried everything I can think of!

So, to say that i am aggravated and frustrated would be an understatement. I have alot on my mind with Dave's one year anniversary creeping up on me, AND, momma and I are supposed to take our long-awaited, much-anticipated trip to Seattle on Monday, and I SOOOOO want to enjoy every minute of it and NOT be in intense pain!

Poor hubby finally gets a day off work today and ends up taking me to all kinds of therapy, massage, Dr. appointment, and of course Target to re-up my Rx's that could over-medicate a small country. I love him so much, but as any married couple can tell you, "If momma (me, in this case) ain't happy, Ain't nobody (Joe, in this case) happy." Are you getting that it's been a long month in the ole' Stein house? Hmm??

So, we are sitting in the doctor's office yet again and she is baffled, yet again, and thinking outloud. I understand that Doctors deal and think very systematically, trying to rule things out in order to reach a proper diagnosis. While I, in comparison, think from my emotions and feelings. She looks at me and says, "I am referring you to a specialist." Fine, I expect that much by now. And then, this lovely little phrase just floats out into the room very matter-of-factly. "I want you to get a CT Scan and an MRI as soon as you get back from your trip, you know, just to rule out a blood clot or tumor in your brain."

I absolutely fell apart.

Then and there and the rest of the day, I repeated those words over and over, and seeds of fear started to creep up. The "what-ifs" felt overwhelming. Especially since Dave is on my mind alot lately and the last big surgery he had was to remove a very fast-growing tumor in his brain that had taken up 25% of the space in his skull by the time they caught it.

So, I am asking you to pray with me. Pray that the pain will ease and I will still be able to enjoy Seattle. Pray that the doctors and specialists will be able to give me some answers and solutions from the MRI and CT Scan results. And pray that I will not let fear overtake me. I am resting in the fact that no amount of worry on my part will change the outcome. It's all in God's hands. Even if my worst-case scenario came true, and the MRI or CT did in fact find a tumor or blood clot, like the doctor said, there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. He says He will never leave us nor forsake us, He says He will walk through the valley of the shadow of death with us, and I have seen that throughout everything with Dave with my own eyes. I have to come to a place of peace and say that I can't carry this by myself and give it all over to Christ. "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind."-2 Timothy 1:7

"His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in His power, the weak become strong. His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect." -Steven Curtis Chapman