One Year Later...

I tried to remember today what we did last fourth of July weekend and it all came back and hit me like a tidal wave. Dave was very sick now and the end was in sight. My Joe, in all his wisdom, said that we were going to go shopping to day for funeral clothes...just in case. We made the best of it, took a trip to Kansas City for the day, saw a movie, ate at a great restaurant, and made a quick stop in Macy's where we found everything we needed for a funeral we still prayed would not happen. Joe tried to cheer me up and assured me that if Dave recovered and we didn't need the clothes that we could burn them and throw a party, but somehow we both knew deep down it was coming.

I was a wreck. We all knew it was going to happen soon, but no one knew just exactly when and my silent prayer was always, " Lord, please tell us when to be there." Texas was a good thirteen hour drive from our house.

My mom called that next week and updated daily, even hourly. He was getting weaker and eventually when she called and said they were going to take him to the Hospice Hospital called the Christopher House in Austin, Joe looked at me and said the word. We quickly and quietly packed our bags, called our jobs, booked the dog in the kennel, and drove through the night. I have never had such a long, silent car ride. Dave's kidneys were failing at this point and there was not much else to be done.

I prayed and cried and prayed some more. In seven years of cancer and major surgeries, he had always bounced back and gone into remission, stunning the doctors, so part of me still held out hope. Still, something felt different this time and I couldn't explain it.

July 12, 2009
We got to the Christopher House that next afternoon. This is where it gets blurry. I know that we all sat and sang and held his hands and told stories. We kissed and hugged and patted his hands. I know he could hear us, but there was a fog and a distance in his eyes as if he were already leaving.

We left that night hoping for a miracle.

July 13,2009
The next morning, we were getting dressed and there was a call from my aunt. Get here NOW. We raced through Austin, only to walk into a room where the doctor had just stepped in to tell the family today would be the day and time was very short...it was down to hours and minutes now, no longer days and months. Even then, I still believed God for a miracle.

I think the hardest thing of my young adult life was sitting around that bed and watching him slip away. What if I didn't tell him i loved him enough? Did he know how much of a difference he had made in my life? I never painted that picture he asked me to do...none of it mattered now. And then the prayer that took our breath away. My mom took his hands in hers and kissed him softly on his head. We all held hands around the room. (There were about thirteen of us in the room now. Everyone was here except my younger brother who was stuck in Costa Rica studying abroad). She started to tell him how much we loved him and what a wonderful man he was. He had lived a full life and accomplished evertyhing God had put him on earth to do, but now it was time to give himself permission to let go...just let go. I have never seen such strength and grace. She told him, so unselfishly, to go and be with Jesus. Everything was taken care of and although we would miss him terribly, we would see him again one day and we would all be fine.

Within just a few short minutes, he breathed his last breath. I stood there and held his hand for what seemed like forever, just looking at him, crying, not knowing what to do next. I pulled myself together and grabbed my mom's cell phone and began making the calls. I think you sort of go into shock. I called all her closest friends and asked them to call her coworkers and anyone I had forgotten. I called the pastor, called a few of my friends... I couldn't even really tell you what I said, but I knew I had to be calm for my momma and do this for her.

In the days that followed, we planned a memorial service for Dave. it would be at the Texas Baptist Children's Home chapel two days later on that Thursday. Just a year and a half earlier, Dave had given me away at my wedding in this same chapel. Twelve years earlier, he married my mom in that chapel. It only seemed fitting to have it there. Friends and family showed up in droves to come support and love on us. A friend asked if he could tape the ceremony for us to watch again later. I have the DVD, but still havent been able to go there yet. Jacqui, a dear friend of mine and a former student of my mom's many years before sang the Chris Rice song "Come to Jesus." I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place.

I later realized we had gotten our miracle, in a sense. Dave was now with the Jesus he loved so much and was no longer in pain. He was whole and happy and healed. The other miracle was that everyone was able to be there on that final day to love on him and surround him in those last hours. I cannot tell you how thankful I was that he did not die alone in the house. That was my greatest fear. God gave so much grace and peace through the whole process. I began to understand what the verse means when the Bible says,"and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." We had that peace. I honestly cannot imagine how people who do not know and trust the Lord deal with death and the finality of it all. We have hope in the end that we will see him again in heaven one day.

One year later and it still brings me to tears just to relive those few days and short hours we had left with him. Death seems so final, but with Christ, it is not the end. We are all dying, from the moment we are born, the clock starts ticking. What will you do in the "dash" between the day you are born and the day you die? I hope that you find truth and love, that you stand for what is right and just, and that you find Jesus and cling tightly to Him alone. We are not promised easy, carefree lives, but He does promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us. You have a God who loves you and cares so deeply for you and I hope that you find Him and live the life He has planned for you.

On the actual anniversary this year, my momma and I will be in Seattle for a week taking the trip she and Dave planned to take together last year when he got sick. We will be remembering him and scattering his ashes. It will be sad and bittersweet, but I am so glad we can be together. Hoping to make new, happy memories on this day and still believing that God is good and gracious. He is enough, He is our comforter, our Rock , and our strong tower. He gives peace and rest and Hope for the future. What a wonderful, loving God we serve!